| Pay for yourself 200903992 Yooran Kim If you type in the word 'download' on the search bar, there are lots of 'free download' sites popping up in the Internet. These days, you can download music, programs, books, and almost anything you want for free. Free downloading is against a law however as I mentioned above, you can have access to free downloading sites easily and there are so many music and books being 'shared' on the Internet that few people feel guilty about it. Three years ago, I was listening to the radio at night and it was about the 'free downloading on the Internet' or 'sharing.' I still remember one of the panels who sounded like a high school student having said, "Then, do you mean the poor don't have right to hear music? Are you saying the poor shouldn't listen to the music?!" Well… I was confounded to hear that. I never thought there were people who thought this topic that way. To conclude, every people have right to hear music and duty to enjoy it in legal process. It is like you have right to eat food, but in order to do that, you have to either buy food or make it. If you do not like any of them, you can ask people for food. But downloading music for free is like stealing food in a buffet. Some might think that they are listening to music or watching movies for free. But no, I beg to differ. Actually you are taking advantage from it and ruining everything related. According to the Ministry of Culture, Sports, and Tourism, if we reduce the rate of illegal download 10%, we can create 50-80 thousand jobs. It means the free down loaders are costing us 2.2 trillion won. Moreover, if you were a musician or a game producer, would you feel like you want to motivate yourself to make better work and invest more money into it when everyone is downloading your masterpiece made by the sweat of your brows? Free down loaders are discouraging the passion of creative workers and it is no good for you and our society. Many companies have shut down and most musicians are fighting with hunger. Some might say that they are students and they cannot afford to buy all software they need to do their homework. That's right. Some might not even have a computer at home. There is alternative though. If you are a student, you can use computers at school. They have legal programs that you need for your homework. If you are adults, you can go to the PC room. If you think it is too expensive to pay for PC room every time because you have to use that same program a lot, I'd rather recommend you to buy one. If you want to watch any movies that are not playing in the theaters anymore, you can watch them in the TV movie channel, or in the library around your neighborhood. All you have to do is just signing up in that library and using the multimedia room. You definitely have right to listen to music, read books, and watch movies. As I mentioned above, there are many legal ways you can enjoy all of them for free. Without paying money, you can listen to music in the record shop, read books in the library, and watch movies on TV but own them. You can enjoy everything you want but own them, possess them, collect them. This is the basic rule in this capitalism society. You can even borrow music CD from your friend. But what I want you to think is, how about purchasing your rights when you think they are worth it. That is the start for a fair society. |
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I liked your title "Pay for yourself", but your whole essay wasn't really along with the title, I think. You had so many useful statistics and strong oppinions about this topic, but it seems like all you mentioned is a intro, not the body of your essay. I think, only this one sentence is going along with the title.
ReplyDelete"But what I want you to think is, how about purchasing your rights when you think they are worth it. That is the start for a fair society."which is the very last one.
So for me, it was a bit abrupt when you end your essay with this sentence.
and some of sentences were confusing a little bit.
(1) Three years ago, I was listening to the radio at night and it was about the 'free downloading on the Internet' or 'sharing.'
-> Was the radio program was always talking about this topic? probably not. So I would suggest... Three years ago, I was listening to the radio at night and one night they started to talk about 'free downloading on the Internet' or 'sharing.'
well, very minor thing...though^^;
(2)But no, I beg to differ.
-> I'm not so sure about this sentence.. what do you mean by differ? I beg you to think differently? or in a different way? maybe?
(2)There is alternative though
-> alternative is adjective, so ... you should put noun. Hum... There is an aleternative way as well. something like that? ^^
So these are the recommendations for you !
Please consider it when you write your second draft! ^^ Good job!@
I think your main idea is that downloading free music files should not be done because it is like stealing someone's property.
ReplyDeleteWhat I liked about your writing is...
1. I like your way to present the idea in the first paragraph. You put an anecdote and then persuaded very clearly and persuasively. I was impressed and persuaded reading your first paragraph.
2. In the second paragraph, it was good idea to put a actual statistics to be persuasive. That made the whole paragraph clear and made me feel that it is quite serious to do an illegal downloading.
To talk about the way you can improve your writing is...
I think, although the part that you mentioned about students' downloading free software illegally was really impressive and realistic and persuasive, it is a little bit off topic. The reason is that the topic that we are talking about is downloading and sharing music off theInternet is ok or not.
2nd draft of Pay for yourself : Part 1
ReplyDeleteIf you typed in the word ‘download’ on the search bar, there would be lots of ‘free download’ sites popping up in the Internet. These days, you can download music, programs, books, and almost anything you want for free. Free downloading is against a law, however as I mentioned above, you can have access to free downloading sites easily and there are so many music and books being ‘shared’ on the Internet that few people feel guilty about it.
Three years ago, I was listening to the radio at night and there was a debate about the free downloading on the Internet or sharing. I still remember one of the panels who sounded like a high school student having said, “Then, do you mean the poor don’t have right to hear music? Are you saying the poor shouldn’t listen to the music?!” Well… I was confounded to hear that. I never thought there were people who thought this topic that way. To conclude, every people have right to hear music and duty to enjoy it in legal process. It is like you have right to eat food, but in order to do that, you have to either buy food or make it. If you did not like any of them, you could ask people for food. But downloading music for free is like stealing food in a buffet.
Some might think that they are listening to music or watching movies just for free. But I beg to differ. Actually you are taking advantage from it and ruining everything related. According to the Ministry of Culture, Sports, and Tourism, if we reduced the rate of illegal download 10%, we could create 50-80 thousand jobs. It means the free down loaders are costing us 2.2 trillion won. Moreover, if you were a musician or a game producer, would you feel like you want to motivate yourself to make better work and to invest more money into it when everyone was downloading your masterpiece made by the sweat of your brows for free? Free down loaders are discouraging the passion of creative workers and it is no good for you and our society. Many companies have shut down and most musicians are fighting with hunger.
2nd draft of Pay for yourself : Part 2
ReplyDeleteIt is not only thing that can be applied in music problem. Let’s see other examples. Some might say that they are students and they cannot afford to buy all software they need to do their homework. That’s understandable. Some might not even have a computer at home. There are alternatives though. If you are a student, you can use computers at school. They have legal programs that you need for your homework. If you are adults, you can go to the PC room. If you think it is too expensive to pay for PC room every time because you have to use that same program a lot, I’d rather recommend you to buy one. If you want to watch any movies that are not playing in the theaters anymore, you can watch them in the TV movie channel, or in the library around your neighborhood. All you have to do is just signing up in that library and using the multimedia room.
You definitely have right to listen to music, read books, and watch movies. As I mentioned above, there are many legal ways you can enjoy all of them for free. Without paying money, you can listen to music in the record shop, read books in the library, and watch movies on TV but own them. You can enjoy everything you want but own them, possess them, collect them. This is the basic rule in this capitalism society. You can even borrow music CD from your friend. But what I want you to think is, how about purchasing your rights when you think they are worth it. That is the start for a fair society.