Intermediate English Writing (1) Monday 7-8
200801224 DIS
Park, Sunghee
The Causes of Happiness
Last Thursday (April 7), a Korea Advanced Institute of Science and Technology (KAIST) student suicide and the death was already the fourth this year in KAIST known as one of the most prestigious schools in Korea. In what reason did the student kill himself even though most Koreans describe KAIST students as winner? What made him less satisfied with his life and choose the hopeless option? Similarly, there are a lot of contradictory cases such as the suicide of the rich or the authority who are considered as one of the happiest men. On the contrary, we can easily find that people who described as loser do not give up their hope and live day by day. What encouraged them to live? I believe people can be happy when they have a person who can talk with, get recognition from society, and have a new achievement.
First, supporters make people happy. People are social animal. People need another person who can talk and share their experiences with. Two weeks ago, I failed to get an internship that I want to work for. I was depressed and it was as if I was rejected by society. I spent many time worrying my future and I kept thinking I might not be prepared yet. As the concerns got deeper, I was getting down in the dumps. At that time, my father started to talk about his stories. He talked about his failures and success, and we had small talk. After the talk, my feeling got better and I felt happy to have my supporter. Other than family members, friends can be good supporters, too. When I chatted with them, I am relaxed and happy because I can share my happiness and sadness with them, and they are my supporters who I can rely on.
Second, recognition from others makes people happy. Generally, people want to be a part of society. Of course, it would be great if the part is really necessary one. People want to check their beings as they get recognition. For example, if a student won a prize, he will be satisfied because he proved he is good at something and it will help the society. The suicide from KAIST can be explained to somewhat degree. KAIST students must be received a lot of praises before they entered KAIST. However, there are so many smart students in KAIST and they did not get recognition as much as they received before. It might hurt their feelings and make them depressed. Maybe, people are susceptible to praise and they never forget the feeling of happiness when they won praise.
Finally, people can be happy when they have a goal and achieved it. People like to have a new one. Especially people become happy when they get what they want. Simply, it can be an economic achievement such as shopping. Girls often set their goal to get a luxury item. If she buys it, she will be happy. Similarly, a CEO is happy when he attained his profit goal. Educational achievement also makes people happy because intellectual curiosity can be satisfied with knowledge. Like this, people always pursue achievement and that is why the rich often killed by himself. Since people want to have more and more forever, even the rich cannot be happy unless he has achievement.
What makes people happy? This is really tricky question but I believe supporter, recognition, and achievement make people be satisfied with their life. The suicide rate is getting higher. Let’s become someone’s true supporter. Let’s praise each other. Let’s help someone to get a new achievement. It’s time to act to people around you. The actions will seem humble, so prosperous will its result be.
I found your writing is quite interesting even though those ideas which are supporter,recongnition, achievement seems a little be usual. But you organized with recent news of suicide and it went pretty well.
ReplyDeleteIf I suggest something to improve your writing is that.. I had a hard time understanding these sentences. I think you can make these clearer for your second draft.
Confused with meanings
1) People want to check their beings as they get recognition
2) Maybe, people are susceptible to praise and they never forget the feeling of happiness when they won praise.
3)People like to have a new one.
4) The actions will seem humble, so prosperous will its result be.
Oh, and one last thing is that you mentioned .. girl's shopping as an example of girl's goal, right? I think it's a little bit off topic or awkward example. Girls, of course, love shopping but that's not really related in achievements when we think of our future goal or something like that. I personally think that shopping makes me happy, but not because I achieved something or bought the item I wanted but because it's just fun! I think you should come up with different example to support your paragraph.
Such as, people feel happy when they achieved their goal and people feel happier when they put a lot of effort to achieve it. It's really hard to get our dreams come true. When I was ~ I had this goal ~ I did this kind of things and I finally achieved! It made me so happy. ...
Hope these suggestions help your second writing!
Good luck ~
<2nd draft>
ReplyDeleteLast Thursday (April 7), a Korea Advanced Institute of Science and Technology (KAIST) student suicide and the death was already the fourth this year in KAIST known as one of the most prestigious schools in Korea. In what reason did the student kill himself even though most Koreans describe KAIST students as winner? What made him less satisfied with his life and choose the hopeless option? Similarly, there are a lot of contradictory cases such as the suicide of the rich or the authority who are considered as one of the happiest men. On the contrary, we can easily find the case that people who described as loser do not give up their hope and live day by day. What encouraged them to live? I believe people can be happy when they have a person who can talk with, get recognition from society, and have a new achievement.
First, supporters make people happy. People are social animal. People need another person who can talk and share their experiences with. Two weeks ago, I failed to get an internship that I want to work for. I was depressed and it was as if I was rejected by society. I spent many time worrying my future and I kept thinking I might not be prepared yet. As the concerns got deeper, I was getting down in the dumps. At that time, my father started to talk about his stories. He talked about his failures and success, and we had small talk. After the talk, my feeling got better and I felt happy to have my supporter. Other than family members, friends can be good supporters, too. When I chatted with them, I am relaxed and happy because I can share my happiness and sadness with them, and they are my supporters who I can rely on.
Second, recognition from others makes people happy. Generally, people want to be a part of society. Of course, it would be great if I am a member of society who is really needed. So People want to check if their being is important or not by trying to get recognition from the society. For example, if a student won a prize, he will be satisfied because he proved he is good at something and it will help the society. The suicide from KAIST can be explained to somewhat degree. KAIST students must be received a lot of praises before they entered KAIST. However, there are so many smart students in KAIST and they did not get recognition as much as they received before. It might hurt their feelings and make them depressed. Maybe, people are susceptible to praise and they never forget the feeling of happiness when they won praise.
Finally, people can be happy when they have a goal and achieved it. People like to have a new one. Especially people become happy when they get what they want. Simply, it can be an economic achievement such as shopping. Girls often set their goal to get a luxury item. If she buys it, she will be happy. Similarly, a CEO is happy when he attained his profit goal. Educational achievement also makes people happy because intellectual curiosity can be satisfied with knowledge. Like this, people always pursue achievement and that is why the rich often killed by himself. Since people want to have more and more forever, even the rich cannot be happy unless he has achievement.
What makes people happy? This is really tricky question but I believe supporter, recognition, and achievement make people be satisfied with their life. The suicide rate is getting higher. Let’s become someone’s true supporter. Let’s praise each other. Let’s help someone to get a new achievement. It’s time to act to people around you. The actions will seem humble, so prosperous will its result be.